Definitive Proof That the Miami Dolphins are Cursed

Cursed, I tell ya! (Screen shot from http://youtu.be/x-2RGFNyaGU)

Don’t let that blowout win against the Oakland Raiders on Sunday fool you.

The Miami Dolphins are cursed.

OK sure, if you’ve been watching the Dolphins for the past 14 years you probably started to suspect that something was up by now. When a team spends 14 years looking for a quarterback (click on that link if you want to read my hilarious jumping of the gun in thinking Ryan Tannehill was the answer to that problem) and the best it can do is Chad Pennington (Jay Fiedler, maybe?), I wouldn’t blame you if you started believing that otherworldly forces were affecting the team. I mean something has to explain Miami drafting Ted Ginn, Jr. (and his family!) ahead of players like Patrick Willis, Marshawn Lynch, and Darrelle Revis, right?

Well finally, there’s an explanation. According to the Miami New Times, Miami, like the bungling franchise it is, fell prey to one of the oldest horror cliches in the book: It built its stadium on an Indian burial ground.

Apparently, when the then not-yet-cursed franchise went to build what was originally Joe Robbie Stadium, it started to find artifacts belonging to the Tequesta tribe, which dated back to around 800 A.D. Archeologists working at the site would claim that it was a burial ground for BOTH the Tequesta tribe and the Seminole tribe about 1,000 years later. So, if you’re keeping score at home, the Dolphins are dumb. You don’t really need to keep score.

I mean honestly, did no one with the team bother to read Stephen King’s Pet Sematary — which came out in 1983 thereby giving any staff member two whole years before the stadium was built to learn that you don’t mess with Indian burial grounds — and say to someone in higher management, hey, maybe we should rethink this whole stadium on an Indian burial ground thing? Way to not read relatively obscure horror novels, early-1980s Dolphins staff.

If you had read it, presumably mustachioed Dolphins’ staff member, you probably would have foreseen that a hex would befall the franchise. Then, you could have told us all to savor the Miami’s last trip to the Super Bowl, which would be played on January 20, 1985. Less than 11 months later, Miami began construction on its now-haunted ground, and the team hasn’t returned to the Super Bowl since.

Spooky!

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Charlie Crespo (@Little_Utopia) is the editor-in-chief of Little Utopia.