I haven’t forgotten, you know. Those four years in Miami feel like a distant memory now, with the Heat performing so poorly in the 2014-2015 season. You were in Cleveland first and now you’re back there and kind of pretending like you never left your mythic northern Ohio, like you were always just the eternal hometown boy. Still, though, I haven’t forgotten. I, we, haven’t forgotten about your exit from the Miami Heat to return to the Cleveland Cavaliers and again win back the hearts of those who once burnt your jerseys.
We certainly remember that unceremonious exit. In fact, I wrote a scathing critique of it last year — a critique that I still stand by. But even though I haven’t forgotten, and even as I watch you play right now in Game 3 of the Warriors–Cavaliers series, I want to say something to you that you will probably never hear, as I can imagine you’re not spending your time frequenting the blogs of nobodies living in the Everglades. This is what I want to say: LeBron, if you can win this next ring, good on you. Like seriously, good on you. If you can manage to win the 2015 NBA Championship, I can’t even hate. You’ve got all the odds stacked against you and your rapidly aging face; if you manage to beat the odds and beat the Warriors, you will be much closer now to that heroic archetypal figure than you were when you painted yourself that way last year in your “I’m Coming Home Letter.”
I mean, we all want you to lose. For all the support Miami gave you while you were here and for all the number 6 jerseys that we didn’t burn when you left, Miami still wants to see you lose. I want you to lose because I think that losing helps guard against a hard, ungracious heart. Also the real reason I want you to lose is because I am vengeful and spiteful. But again, if you don’t lose — if you triumph — I guess I will be really impressed with you. I want you to lose, but I won’t begrudge you the win.
So good luck (I guess?). You have a hard road ahead of you.
Laura Creel (@Little_Utopia) is the managing editor of Little Utopia.
Most Recent Articles:
♦ Golden Retriever Adopts Baby Lamb, Is a Better Human Than I Am
♦ ESPN Airs World Armwrestling League Championship, Reminding Us that We are Failures
♦ Sorry, Healthcare Professionals, Computers are Coming for Your Jobs Too
♦ Viral Video of the Week: Try this Next Time You Find Yourself So Close to a Bear That You are Almost Kissing It
♦ Attention Accountants: The Clinton Foundation Wants You!