Peachtree City, GA — After a routine MRI on Thursday at Piedmont Imaging Center in downtown Atlanta, 53-year-old corporate controller Eugene Dome was shocked by the diagnosis that his inferior nasal concha is a filthy, racist collection of mineralized osseous tissue. Dome, who by all eyewitness accounts serves no redeeming purpose in society, gasped in horror as the newly invented and progressively social MRI machine, which uses gamma radiation to expose the genetics of bone tissue throughout the body, confirmed a DNA match linking the long narrow and curled bone shelf to that of his great uncle Cecil, a former lunch counter proprietor from the Jim Crow era.
For years Mr. Dome has led what he thought to be a virtuous life, one in which he appreciated people of all races, colors, and creeds. It began with his love of Louis Armstrong as an adolescent, his occasional tuning into B.B. King’s Bluesville on Sirius XM, and his loose friendship with two black former co-workers, with whom he meets for lunch on a quarterly basis.
Although he has voted exclusively Republican since he married and began a family in his mid 30s, he’s always considered himself fiscally conservative and socially moderate, and has reportedly stated on multiple occasions in groundbreaking discussions at Chick-fil-A that “black folks who are willing to work hard have as much of a right to the American dream as the rest of us.” He has, however, been known to quietly confide to close friends his concerns about the rising number of black families in his neighborhood, wondering how they can afford to send their kids to the same private school that his children attend.
Forgetting all the times he referred to Ferguson protestors, Marshawn Lynch, and Kanye West as “thugs,” Mr. Dome issued this statement upon learning of his diagnosis: “I mean, all my favorite sports icons are black, and as long as they do not have dreadlocks, show off after a big play, and are leading my favorite teams to victory I don’t even notice their skin color. I just don’t understand how this could have happened.”
As of press time Mr. Dome is reported to be changing his go-to phrase for defending his vaguely racist proclamations from “I don’t have a racist bone in my body” to the old standby of “some of my best friends are black.”