The Deflated (But Not Yet Defeated) New England Patriots

Patriots’ QB Tom Brady (screen shot from http://youtu.be/lhslsyH3PlY)

If you remember, it was these same New England Patriots that got caught spying on the New York Jets, in an episode aptly called SpyGate. So why wouldn’t we look at the Patriots with suspicion now?

The leaders of the New England Patriots are perfect for controversies like deflate-gate. If there was one guy who I would put into the spotlight for deflate-gate, it would be Bill Belichick. Why? Why not? He oozes a sinisterial (not to be confused with ministerial) attitude, like a dark Sith Lord, wearing a gray hoodie and crossing his meaty arms on his team’s sideline.

And then there is Tom Brady, the guy everybody loves to hate and hates to love. Perhaps he’s so hated because of the way he smirks on the sideline or the way he gets fired up when he feels challenged (the few times he feels that way). Maybe it is his model girlfriend and their perfect little cute faces, making the rest of us feel like gnomes alongside them.

So while the Patriots have been under the spotlight for the past week for “deflating” balls after killing the Indianapolis Colts, I have been sipping on margaritas in frigid temperatures in New York. As I try to think warm thoughts, I’ve been wondering why I feel like New England deserves immediate punishment, even before the facts are revealed. It’s not just because I hate Brady and Belichick. It’s not just because I hate the Patriots and am an avid Miami Dolphins fan, and I wish that the Dolphins would one season surpass the Patriots in greatness.

I think it’s because the sort of stuff that the Patriots keep getting caught with has formed an opinion of the franchise in my mind that can’t be altered. For some reason, the Dark Lord Belichick can’t stop being caught. Either he is the NFL’s version of Mr. Magoo, or he’s just not that smart. And because he keeps getting caught, I can’t help but notice that he also somehow wins all the time. Is all the winning a result of cheating that hasn’t been caught too? Have there been any more incidents where New England has cheated?

Sure, you might say that those questions are red herrings. You might even say that they are unfair, and that the games that the Patriots have won were won fair and square. The Patriots beat Indianapolis pretty handily. But that isn’t the point of the argument. Whether or not they can beat everyone else isn’t the point at all. The point is more about what New England is willing to do to beat everyone else.

If this happened in the corporate world, then a major player in the deal might just be indicted on charges. Or, if they didn’t get caught they would just call that a classic business deal. But in the hallowed realm of the sports world, the rules need to be respected, because in sports we are all moral people who follow strict guidelines. So in keeping with our American morals, the Patriots need to be treated as they treated the Colts.

Tom Brady should only be allowed to throw Beef Jerky.

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Christopher Cruz (@_chris_cruz) is a staff writer for Little Utopia.