How Not To Get Kicked Out Of Your Fantasy League

You’re not going to win your league this year, but at least you won’t get kicked out. (Screen shot from http://youtu.be/ZKxu-oXVSPo)

Life becomes full of responsibility as we age. Apparently, society wants you to get off your ass and get a job, become a productive member of society. This, of course, takes time away from the important aspects of life, like fantasy football. Unless you do fantasy football at work, and then you should be fired.

Because life (work, marriage, children, [add any other buzzkills in here]) gets in the way, you have to then sacrifice your fantasy teams. You know what happens when you sacrifice time with your fantasy team? I’ll tell you what happens, because it happened to me: You get kicked out of the league. Fantasy football has moved beyond the realm of being something fun you do with your friends, because in fantasy football you have no friends. It is full-on Survivor, if your friends are anything like mine and if your league is any good.

What happens is that your friends vote you out in a secret vote cast without your knowing about it. Meanwhile, there are all these hints and tips, until someone finally reveals to you that you are out. I had to wait an entire season to get reinstated after someone else got kicked out. I know, these guys are my ~~friends~~ brutal.

Would you like to know what it’s like to be reinstated? I’ll tell you. It’s a lot like primary elections. Guys are calling all of the other guys trying to lobby for certain players, showcasing statistics from other leagues, and metaphorically defecating on The Other player whom they have deemed unworthy of the class of elite fantasy players. If you are good at fantasy football, the likelihood is that you would probably make a good politician, and if you would make a good politician, the likelihood is that you can’t be trusted. It’s true; I don’t make the rules.

For the rest of you who are too timid to make that trade call at 1 a.m. (my friends are not), here is some advice you can follow to not be kicked out of your fantasy league.

1. Don’t quit in the middle of the season. This seems like a no-brainer, almost too obvious for me to bring up, but it happens all the time. Guys draft their players, they are excited about football, but then after week four or five, when they have lost a few games, they decide to focus on other things. In doing so, they neglect their rosters and forego switching players who have bye weeks, inevitably losing for the rest of the season (for the most part).

NOTE: There have been people who have been successful (read: made the playoffs) even though they tanked their season and never really played. These guys should be kicked out of the league too, because they were good without even trying. Meanwhile, players who should have been good got injured and screwed up entire rosters because of it. Yes, I am bitter.

2. Please, please, please, please, please don’t be the cheating guy. Some might not call it cheating. You may be one of those “some.” If you scheme with players to try and take over the league, the other team proprietors will begin to think that collusion is taking place. What exactly do I mean by cheating, you ask? Consider this scenario: Your team is on the verge of making the playoffs — an admirable thing considering you have had Carson Palmer at the helm. But you still need a good quarterback heading into the final dances. You notice, oh, a friend of yours isn’t making the playoffs after losing six straight. They probably aren’t even paying attention, and are going to be asked to leave next season anyway. “Why don’t you just give me the quarterback in exchange for some crappy player?” you ask the loser. Don’t do this. You might think that this doesn’t happen in fantasy leagues, but it happens a lot more than you think. Remember, fantasy football = politics.

The last piece of my proverbial puzzle will be so profound that you simply have to take it to heart. Think of it as a rule of life, as if John Maxwell were personally coming to visit you with a truth for success in your career in fantasy:

3. Don’t suck.

If you don’t suck, you’ll never be kicked out.

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Christopher Cruz (@_chris_cruz) is a guest contributor for Little Utopia.