Picture this: You are a Russian fisherman. It’s early, you’re still sleepy, and you really don’t want to have to go to work today. As you head to your fishing spot, something crashes into you from behind. Suddenly, a bear is on top of you, and you are being mauled.
You try to struggle, but it’s not doing any good. Just when you have given up hope, your phone rings. Your ringtone is “Baby,” because your granddaughter loaded it onto your phone as a joke. Great, you think, not only am I about to be horrifically killed by a bear but the last thing I hear on this Earth will be a song by Justin Bieber. All of a sudden, almost as soon as the phone rings, in fact, the bear flees. You are injured, but you will live.
Even though Justin Bieber is a scourge upon humanity loved around the world only by tweens , his music will save you if you are ever attacked by a bear. Bears do not appreciate American boy-band-style pop music; Bears are mostly traditionalists. Bears say, “Pull your damn pants up!” They are bluegrass aficionados.
So, like Igor Vorozhbitsyn, to whom the above scenario actually happened, we all need to load “Baby” onto our phones in case we are ever attacked by a bear. Do not make “Blue Moon of Kentucky” your ringtone. I repeat: DO NOT MAKE “BLUE MOON OF KENTUCKY” YOUR RINGTONE. It will only draw the bears, who will enjoy you as a picnic while they jam out to Bill Monroe.
At Little Utopia, we do not want to see you get attacked by a bear. So, even though we’ve previously told you what to do in case of a bear attack, we also have compiled a list of songs that you should not make your ringtone UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. These songs will also draw the bears. Provided that you make your ringtone “Baby” and not any of these songs, you will never be attacked by a bear [Disclaimer: This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. Little Utopia is not liable if your ringtone is “Baby,” and you are attacked by a bear.]
Songs Bears Love:
“Tupelo Honey” — Van Morrison
“Honey Honey” — Feist
“Sugar, Sugar” — The Archies
“In Da Club” — 50 Cent
“I Can’t Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch)” — Four Tops
“Dancing Bear” — The Mamas and the Papas
“Honey Bear” — The Residents
“All I Really Want” — Alanis Morissette
“Sugar Bear” — Insane Clown Posse
“Salmon Day” — Apt 3g
Previously from Charlie Crespo:
♦ Viral Video of the Week: Watch this Sheep Own a Cyclist in a Race
♦ Reviews of (Terrible) Movies Based Solely on a 5 to 10 Minute Fight Scene
♦ Viral Video of the Week: Incredible Limbo Skating Six-Year-Old
♦ Beertopia: Dogfish Head Brewery’s 60 Minute IPA
♦ I Ate Doritos Loaded So You Wouldn’t Have To