If you remember, back in February Little Utopia announced our now seemingly ill-fated quest to determine 2014’s signature food. The first contender for the crown was Doritos, specifically for their insane “Doritos Loaded” creation. As you might also recall, I promised to taste test (for you!) each entrant into the contest. And so, about a week ago, I went to my local 7-Eleven to fulfill my obligation. This is my report.
I don’t really remember the last time I was at a 7-Eleven, but they rarely seem to be very busy when I drive by them. For whatever reason, my 7-Eleven was insanely crowded when I pulled up. At first, I feared that I had come on a free Slurpee day, so I lingered outside to let the line die down.
While outside, I took a few minutes to read the promotional material for Doritos Loaded plastered on every single window. The signs assured me and others entering the convenience store that Doritos Loaded were “LOADED WITH AWESOME,” a “GAME-CHANGER,” “A NACHO CHEESE SNACK FOR THE BOLD,” “NEW!,” and that they were “4 pieces for $1.99.” To be fair to Doritos, the price was accurate.
As I looked through the tiny slit of window without Doritos propaganda on it, I realized the line wasn’t dying down at all. These things must truly be LOADED WITH AWESOME. I quickly hurried to get in line behind my other Doritos purchasing brethren.
But as I stood in line, it became clear that no one was buying Doritos Loaded. And I think that’s where the shame started to set in. As I got closer to the front of the line, I turned to see that there were still others behind me. Everyone would know that I was about to order and consume Doritos stuffed with nacho cheese from a gas station. At that point, I was not “thanking heaven for 7-Eleven.” I needed to figure out how I could make my order as subtly as possible.
“Doritos Loaded, please,” I mumbled when I reached the front of the line. “What was that?” the cashier asked loudly. If anyone hadn’t been looking at me, they were now. To make things worse, he busted out a set of tongs to remove the small red box from under the heat lamp. TONGS. He then proceeded to snap open a bag and tell me to be careful because of how hot they were.
At least that was nice. He was totally judging my life choices.
If you haven’t enjoyed the story up until now and were looking for some kind of payoff involving a wonderful flavor explosion in my mouth, then I’m sorry because I have nothing for you. Doritos Loaded are terrible. And not terrible in a oh this is so bad for me I shouldn’t be eating this terrible kind of way. Just plain terrible.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed at discovering this. Because even though I said at the beginning that I was eating this for you, I really all along wanted to eat them for me, and I was using you as a pretext to feel better about my choice. I was captivated by the mind behind the Doritos Loaded idea — even if it is yet another sign of Doritos bizarre descent into insanity — because it is a brilliant product in theory.
Doritos and mozzarella sticks should be combined and the fact that they haven’t already is an injustice to humanity. But not like this. Not when the box was somehow hot and the inside not at all. Not when the inside isn’t filled with stretchy or gooey pseudo cheese but some kind of flavorless cheese paste.
After just one bite, I knew these weren’t a GAME-CHANGER. Eating an entire one ensured that they weren’t A NACHO CHEESE SNACK FOR THE BOLD. Another bite from a second one suggested that these probably weren’t NEW!, either (they were probably warmed up — wait a second, how are these things even “cooked,” “warmed up,” etc.? — the day before). I didn’t need any more bites to realize where these Doritos Loaded belonged.
They belonged in the trash, along with my dreams for a mozzarella stick/Doritos hybrid.
Previously from Charlie Crespo:
♦ Viral Video of the Week: Seattle Sounders Grant Teenager’s Wish
♦ The Sun Always Sets on Sporting Empires
♦ Viral Video of the Week: Insane Water Slide Test Run
♦ Viral Video of the Week: Robot Finally Used for Good
♦ Fourth of July Foods, Ranked