Fourth of July Foods, Ranked

These guys know what I’m talking about. (Screen shot from http://youtu.be/qt4pzlcRsko)

9. Hamburgers — Overrated. Yeah, I said it. Unless you are using some high-quality meat (which you’re not), hamburgers are all about the toppings. Getting all those toppings together means more work and less lying in a pool with a beer. They’re normally great, but on the Fourth of July hamburgers are for suckers.

8. Coleslaw — When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, it’s real bad. You never can tell until it’s too late.

7. Baked Beans — OK for the two times a year that you eat them. Anything more is probably overkill.

6. Ice Cream — I don’t know; ice cream out of a carton always kind of sucks.

5. Watermelon — Meh.

4. Corn on the Cob — Underrated, especially if it’s grilled.

3. Fried Chicken — Magical anytime of the year.

2. Macaroni and Cheese — If you said this was the best Fourth of July food, I’d let you make your case and you’d probably base that argument not only on its deliciousness but also on how much Thomas Jefferson loved it. You’d be very close to being right. But, eventually I’d have to tell you that you’re wrong.

1. Hot Dogs — Easy to cook; only need one topping (mustard) for them to be amazing; and because you only need one hand to consume them you can eat them in a pool, while you shoot off fireworks, or — most importantly — while you hold/drink a beer with your other hand. If you don’t eat a hot dog on the Fourth of July, the terrorists win.

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Charlie Crespo (@Little_Utopia) is the editor-in-chief of Little Utopia.