Everything You Think You Know About Your Bed is a Lie

Balluga 2014 bed is the best bed ever

Behold the wonder that is the Balluga 2014 (Screen shot from http://youtu.be/exQE-cTtd_A)

[Editor’s note: This post is admittedly a cheap stunt to get Balluga to send me one of their incredible, interactive beds. If you are reading this, upper management person at Balluga, (and I will tweet at you to make it more likely that you do), please send me one of your magical beds. My bed is destined to be forever inferior now that I know what I could be sleeping on. Sleep will no longer bring me the joy it has always brought me. You don’t want to have that on your conscience do you?]

Whoever first said that there’s nothing like sleeping in your own bed is a filthy, filthy liar.

Because your bed is an abomination. Take that ratty mattress out to the curb. Chop up the frame and use it for firewood. It is of no use to you any longer.

If that sounds blasphemous, I assure you it’s not. You are about to discover the Balluga 2014. And once you go Balluga, you’ll never go back.

The Balluga 2014 is a bed that seems like it is straight out of The Jetsons, but, thanks to the magic of science, technology, etc., it’s available for all of us to purchase right now. Provided, of course, that you have $1,000 (which is where the models start at) to blow on a bed. But, hey, that’s why you didn’t have kids, right?

After you wisely bite the bullet and pay the Balluga people, they will provide you with a bed unlike any other. This bed has features. Have you ever heard of a bed that has features before? Nope, neither have I. Some of those features include: therapeutic massage while you sleep, built-in climate control, Wi-Fi and Bluetooth connectivity to mobile apps and built-in smoke detector and burglary alarms.

In case you were too stunned to process all that, let me put it another way: This bed will tell you if someone is breaking into your house, let you call 911 from it, and give you a massage all at the same time. For a more detailed rundown of the features you can click here, but, seriously man, did you read that last sentence? What more do you need to know?

To be honest, I feel kind of ridiculous calling this thing a “bed.” Although there have been some great beds that have come before it — like Al Jefferson’s ginormous bed — nothing compares to the Balluga 2014. We should come up with a new word for it. Like “bedgreat” or “greatbed.” Or, you know, something better than that because those are terrible. Apparently, creating new words is not really my thing.

Now that you know what you’re missing, you’ll begin to notice that you wake up every morning feeling like this. But it doesn’t have to be that way anymore, friends. With the Balluga 2014, we can all wake up each and every morning, hop out of bed, and start our day off like this.

Rob Ford

(I have broken my promise to you again, Canada. I’m sorry. It will probably will definitely not happen again.)

Don’t you want your mornings to feel like that? I know I do. I’m no longer content to sleep on a bed that can’t make me a sandwich, bathe my dog, and rotate my car’s tires. Neither should you be.

So rush out and buy all the Balluga beds. And when they see that their sales have gone up a hundredfold because of the millions of people that read this blog post, they will undoubtedly compensate me handsomely with a Balluga bed I can call my own.

I can dream, can’t I?


CharlieCharlie Crespo (@Little_Utopia) is the editor-in-chief of Little Utopia.

Previously from Charlie Crespo:
Viral Video of the Week: Dog Athlete Attempts World Record Long Jump
Viral Video of the Week: Local News is Great in Other Countries Too
Once Again, Beer is Here to Save Us All
Viral Video of the Week: BASE Jumping Off the Freedom Tower
OK, Robots, Now It’s Personal

3 responses to “Everything You Think You Know About Your Bed is a Lie

  1. Now I understand what beds I assume must be at Holiday-in express. Charlie, I’m due for a new bed upgrade and if you cant ever make it home one night I’ll take the couch and gladly offer up my Balluga to the man who released this news to the world. “I’ll do it for free chicken, it’s the least I can do”. You heard it here first folks #littleutopia

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