According to reports, “Space Jam 2” is about to happen.

Awesome.

According to other reports, “Space Jam 2” is not about to happen. But LeBron James would be totally down to star in it if it ever did happen.

Not as awesome but still good to know.

Whether it is or isn’t in the works at the moment doesn’t really matter. “Space Jam 2” is going to happen at some point. There’s simply too much easy money to be made, as a new generation of basketball fans and millennials nostalgic for the 90s will gladly empty their wallets as soon as this hits theaters. What’s that you say? Unbelievably bad acting and a story we’ve already seen before? Count EVERYONE in.

So rather than give you the same boring article speculating on the possibility of “Space Jam 2” happening that’s everywhere on the internet right now, we’re going to cast the movie. Again, I know you read the title already Warner Bros., but you’re welcome. Give me a producer credit at least.

MAIN CAST

LeBron James as himself – No real need for explanation on this one. If this movie happens, LeBron is battling the Monstars.

Chris Paul as Cliff Paul, who get his talent stolen by Nawt –  The Monstars mistake Paul’s long-lost twin and the GOAT of State Farm agents for his brother Chris. That Monstar has to play point guard, but his only ability is that he can sell insurance really, really well.

James Harden as himself, who gets his talent stolen by Bupkus – Picture a Monstar with Harden’s glorious beard. Enough said.

Kevin Durant as himself, who gets his talent stolen by Pound – The original Monstars squad went with a massive frontline of Charles Barkley at small forward, Patrick Ewing at power forward, and Sean Bradley at center. But, after learning from their mistakes against Michael Jordan’s ’96 Tune Squad, the Monstars will play a little more traditional. Plus, Durant has a proven track record of being a wonderfully terrible actor.

Kevin Love as himself, who gets his talent stolen by Blanko – There are better power forwards out there, but I needed a white guy for Shawn Bradley’s spot. If I didn’t think he’d be out of the league by the time this gets made, I’d put Dirk Nowitzki here. Man, he’d be so perfect for the goofy Monstar role. But, alas, Love it is.

Dwight Howard as himself, who gets his talent stolen by Bang – To really reach the level of the original, we need as much terrible overacting as possible. Come on down, Dwight.

SUPPORTING CAST

Bill Murray as himself – It wouldn’t be a “Space Jam” sequel without Bill Murray.

Beyoncé as Savannah Brinson James – Because we want to get all the moneyz.

Anthony Michael Hobbs as LeBron James, Jr. – We need a child to play a child.

Kevin Hart as Bryce Maximus James – Hey-yo! Because he’s short … get it? You’re not laughing? You suck.

There’s your cast, people. I defy you to find a better candidate for any of the roles mentioned above. Don’t even try. Seriously, don’t try. I just spent an hour of my life doing this, and I am currently reassessing many of my major life decisions because of it.

Now that I’ve wasted that hour though, there isn’t much work left to do for Warner Bros. I would have written a script for “Space Jam 2,” but everyone knows that movie companies just use the exact same script for almost every sequel (I’m specifically looking at you “The Hangover: Part II”).

There’s only one real question left: Will James best Jordan’s insane 44 points on 22-22 shooting? That’s right. Someone took the time to break down every possession and compile all the stats (you really should click that link) from the original movie.

At least I can feel a little bit better about myself now. Someone out there is making worse life decisions than I am. What’s that? That article was written by the Harvard College Sports Analysis Collective, a student-run organization that will lead to high-paying management jobs for each of its members?

Nevermind.

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Charlie Crespo (@Little_Utopia) is the editor-in-chief of Little Utopia.

Previously from Charlie Crespo:
♦ Viral Video of the Week: Brilliant Kids Make Us Feel Dumb
♦ The Quest to Determine 2014’s Signature Food: Doritos Loaded Announces its Candidacy
♦ Viral Video of the Week: What Should We Think About These Rapping Teachers?
♦ The Strange Saga of “Flappy Bird”
♦ The Life of a Cheese Maker’s Apprentice: An Interview With Turner Reynolds