Friday Food News; or, MY BRAIN EXPLODED AFTER I LEARNED THIS SHOCKING FOOD NEWS

Wait ... what's that? Are those angels singing? (Screen shot from http://youtu.be/WknKjHcwRLI)

Wait … what’s that? Are those angels singing? (Screen shot from http://youtu.be/WknKjHcwRLI)

Admittedly, we aren’t fans of the reductive ways that news is presented to the masses these days. At Little Utopia, we try our best not to sink to those levels. But, we also aren’t in denial here. We realize that there’s a reason for presenting complex issues in easily digestible morsels: money. By providing information as simply as possible, news outlets are able to herd consumers quickly from one undemanding story to the next, which both keeps hold of the ever-diminishing attention span and allows for as many views/clicks as possible.

We also realize that this model is successful in terms of generating capital and we are … well, we’re not … YET! So, in a blatant attempt to pander for pageviews, we have some good news and some bad news from the last couple of weeks in the food world. Which would you prefer first? The good news?

OK, here’s the bad news. I don’t know how to put this lightly so I won’t: THERE IS A SEVERE VELVEETA SHORTAGE THAT THREATENS TO RUIN ALL OF HUMANITY (OK … not all of humanity just this thing called “dip season,” which is apparently actually a thing). Kraft has recently confirmed the shortage and admitted that there might not be any of the processed, faux “cheese” until after the Super Bowl. So, sorry about that queso fans. Spinach-artichoke dip is nice, though.

You know what? Maybe there’s still time after all. Quick! run out to your local grocer for that last magical yellow box. Oh but wait! Don’t you want to hear the good news?

Here it is (again, this is a seismic development in the food world so this news needs to be delivered with a certain gravitas): SCIENTISTS HAVE MADE AN INNOVATIVE BREAKTHROUGH IN THE WAY WE WILL EAT FOOD FOREVER. Well, actually, someone just put a burrito vending machine in a gas station in Los Angeles. And, while the novelty has impressed consumers, the taste really hasn’t.

But, hey, that’s still cool right? With the “Burrito Box” we are on the cutting edge of vending machine technology here in America. Nowhere else is doing anything awesome like burritos in a vending machine. Wait … what’s that you’re saying about Japan? Japan is putting way crazier stuff in vending machines? Damnit, Japan.

So, I guess that second piece of news wasn’t good at all. Huh. We suck at this pandering thing.

Tell all your friends about us!

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CharlieCharlie Crespo (@Little_Utopia) is the editor-in-chief of Little Utopia.

Previously from Charlie Crespo:
The Best Hockey You’re Not Watching
Viral Video of the Week: This is What Your Animals are Doing While You’re Away
How Puppy Bowl X Changed the Fantasy Game Forever
Viral Video of the Week: You Shall Not Pass!
Don’t be a Menace to New York City While Drinking Your Adult Bevarage at SantaCon

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