Last week, the news I had been dreading popped up on Little Utopia’s twitter feed: The Sriracha factory in Irwindale, California had been ordered to partially shut down by a judge. Needless to say, it was a devastating start to my day.
Luckily, though, I’ve reached an age where I can receive crushing news, take time to process it calmly, and then respond in a reasonable manner.
But, for you Srirachaphiles out there, I know you understand my dismay. Sriracha is more than just a “hot sauce.” In fact, to call it a hot sauce is an insult to its majesty. Sure, Sriracha is a “sauce” in the strictest sense of the word, but, oh, it is so much more, friends.
Sriracha can make any terrible meal tolerable and, dare I say, even good. What’s that? You have some three-day-old meatloaf? Not anymore! Just slather that slab of moldy meat bread in some Sriracha and it’ll taste like that cow baguette was cooked yesterday. Of course, that’s not to say it’ll taste great. But, hey, there’s only so much you can do to make meatloaf taste good. Cut Sriracha some slack here.
If you have never tried Sriracha, let me explain how the relationship will develop. The first time you try it, it will be way too spicy and you’ll have mistakenly put too much on whatever food you were about to consume. This experience may lead some of you to become disillusioned, but the strong among you will stick with it. You’ll learn to put small drops on as you become accustomed to its wonderful chili-garlic flavor. Eventually, you’ll be unable to not put it on anything you eat and need larger and larger quantities to satisfy your cravings.
Unfortunately, the time to build that wonderful, rewarding relationship may have already passed. The Sriracha factory was shut down because residents complained of headaches, sore throats, and burning eyes, due to the chili odor emitted from the plant. Although both sides hope to come to an agreement soon, the decision to partially shut down the plant may already affect next year’s supply.
So, without a concrete solution for this issue, stock up on Sriracha while you can. Be kind and share it with your friends, who will beg for even the smallest drops from your Sriracha reservoir.
But don’t come looking this way. This news has made me realize that I need to quit this stuff cold turkey. I am certainly not in the process of digging a large bunker under my house to fill with a substance that may or may not be Sriracha. Why would I be doing that? That would be crazy.
Nope, no Sriracha hoard to see here, people.
Previously from Charlie Crespo:
♦ Viral Video of the Week: Shop ‘Til You Drop (Because Someone Punched You in the Face Over a TV)
♦ Misgivings About Thanksgiving
♦ Viral Video of the Week: Dramatic YouTube Commenters
♦ Batkid Alters Our Perception and Understanding of the News for the Better
♦ Viral Video of the Week: Fish Story