Last weekend I went to a club.
Without any context, the fact that I went to a club isn’t particularly noteworthy. But it was, for me at least, because I hadn’t been to a club since I discovered how much I despise them.
I’m not going to sugarcoat this; I hate clubs and everything they stand for. I hate having to dress up to meet a club’s dress code. I hate the blaring music that renders any attempt at conversation pointless and leaves you with a throbbing headache once you leave. I hate how awful that blaring music undoubtedly is. I hate that people can smoke right next to your face. I hate paying to get in somewhere only to have to pay stupidly expensive prices for crappy drinks.
I do like my friends, though. I enjoy being able to talk to them without having to scream into their ears. It’s even nice to be able talk to more than one of them at a time. This is all impossible in a club.
When I want to go out for a few drinks with friends, I want to sit in a dimly-lit bar, with some music, preferably The Rolling Stones, in the background turned down to something quieter than ear-splitting. I’d like to be able to order some french fries or some chips and dip if I get hungry. But, most importantly, I want to be able to order a drink without having to push my way through a crowd four deep at every spot of the bar and to be able to order a second one without getting a job as an investment banker.
As I reflected on all of this while I stood in the club and felt levels of self-loathing I hadn’t experienced in quite some time, I texted a friend (only half-jokingly) that it wouldn’t shock me if the U.S. used clubs as “enhanced interrogation techniques.”
So it came as no surprise to me when I heard early this week that sailors across the world were using Britney Spears’ music as a Somali pirate deterrent. Apparently, the music, with it’s high-pitched tones and bass notes, is particularly obnoxious to the pirates.
“These guys can’t stand western culture or music, making Britney’s hits perfect,” Rachel Owens, a merchant navy officer told the Mirror. “It’s so effective the ship’s security rarely needs to resort to firing guns.”
After a night spent in a club, it’s not hard to see why. Add a few strobe lights, a velvet rope, and some watered-down drinks on every boat and we just might be able to solve the Somali pirate problem once and for all.
Charlie Crespo (@Little_Utopia) is the editor-in-chief of Little Utopia.
Previously from Charlie Crespo:
♦ Viral Video of the Week: Kelly McGarry’s Wild Ride
♦ Thoughts on Selfies at Funerals
♦ Viral Video of the Week: Halloween Edition
♦ Little Utopia’s Epic NBA Season Preview Extravaganza: Part 2
♦ Little Utopia’s Epic NBA Preview Extravaganza: Part 1