I wanted to bash this story so bad when I first heard about it.
In case you haven’t heard and, more importantly, in case you happen to be in the greater New York area and haven’t heard: J.R. Smith, shooting guard for the New York Knicks, recently bought an armored vehicle and is currently driving it around New York City.
As the New York Post first reported: “Smith, who’s recovering after surgery on his left knee in the offseason, rolled up to Meatpacking District restaurant Catch on Thursday night in a Gurkha F5, which is made by Toronto-based Terradyne Armored Vehicles and used by police and the military. Smith parked the oversize truck, worth about $450,000, on the street while he dined inside.”
That’s right. He bought an armored vehicle, the type usually reserved for the military and the police. And he’s driving it around the city.
Part of the reason I wanted to criticize Smith’s decision was that his driving history includes a deadly accident that resulted in the death of his friend, charges for reckless driving, and a 30 day jail sentence, among other indiscretions. Another part laments the fact that so many athletes end up broke because they can’t manage their money properly and spending a reported $450,000 on an armored car is probably not the smartest decision to make, even if you are a multi-millionaire. Even moreso, I wanted to criticize our ridiculous consumer culture and draw further damning conclusions about our society’s growing wealth gap, mindless worship of celebrities, etc.
But whenever I sat down to write my diatribe against Smith and his new armored vehicle my fingers would instantly type things like: AMERICUHHH.
And: HATERS GONNA HATE.
I couldn’t control them. They wouldn’t let me say anything bad about this story.
And they still won’t, so I’m going with it. Maybe Carmelo Anthony will show up to next season’s games in a stealth bomber. Or perhaps Tyson Chandler will decide now is the right time to get an Astute-class submarine for Sunday trips down the Hudson River.
So good for Smith, who made a stupi … hathasjgnsongfon … completely reasonable purchase that will definitely bite him in the as … donfaognifnofnos … be an incredible investment down the road. (Since when did my fingers become J.R. Smith fans?!?)
After all, can you really put a price on the ultimate hater blocker?
I didn’t think so.
Charlie Crespo (@Little_Utopia) is the editor-in-chief of Little Utopia.
Previously from Charlie Crespo:
♦ Monday’s Viral Video: Can Someone Explain the Internet?
♦ Beertopia: Brooklyn Brewery’s Brooklyn Lager
♦ Say It Ain’t So, Bikram
♦ Nigella Lawson and the Bystander Effect
♦ Monday’s Viral Video: Bun in the Oven
Just want to know how awkward it was during the deal making process of the vehicle. As the salesman was going over all the amenities, bullet proof windows, passenger seat ejects from roof and came to the exhaust features asking Smith if he was “tryin to get the pipe?”. One can only dream he’ll get a taste of his own medicine, not like he can bypass traffic hour in New York they don’t got Miami PD up there and he ain’t LeBron going to a concert. Shoulda asked for the rocket launcher attachment to go along with the 50 pound sub-woofer I’m sure sits in the back, I’m wishing armored vehicles involved in basketball stopped with Master P “Make’em say UGH!”