‘Ware the Monkey!

Monkey staging a shoot out.

Monkey staging a shoot out.

This is old news, about 2 ½ year-old news, but it’s time that it was brought up again to the public. And I know no one is going to like hearing this. It’s going to be unpopular — and I don’t mean to be disrespectful — but I’ve got to say it: Monkeys are trying to take over human society.

At the 2010 Commonwealth Games, Robert Mackey (along with several other news sources) reported that monkeys had been trained and used by the Indian government to control human and primate crowds. Why would the government need to control primate crowds at a sporting event? Well, apparently, the massive crowds attract the monkeys, which then come after the humans, biting them and stealing their cell phones. Yeah, you read that right — the monkeys deliberately steal valuable objects from humans after attacking them. These creatures are dangerous, and they’re trying to rise again, “Planet of the Apes” style.

It gets worse, though. Not only are the monkeys attacking humans, but we are actively anthropomorphizing them into crowd control guards!

Are we to blame? We’re the ones treating them like little humans, giving them jobs and titles like “security guard.” Is this a case of if-you-can’t-beat-`em-join-`em? I don’t know, but I’ve been hearing a lot about monkey attacks lately.

I don’t like getting within 20 feet of them, even at the zoo, because the last time I was there, one of the little buggers climbed to the top of his cage and started urinating on all of us spectators. They’re not to be trusted.

Be careful, everyone. These guys make spears out of sticks and assassinate political leaders they don’t like. They terrorize farmers and make lewd gestures at women. In other words, they are like nicer versions of Jon Gosselin.

All jokes aside: be watchful, be vigilant. The monkey community will not be silent forever. They are slowly biding their time, infiltrating our security guard forces, stealing our possessions, and ruining our food supply. Yeah, check that link above. They are so conniving that they understand that to wipe us out they have to get at our food supply. This is real life, people.

I leave you with this video. Stay safe, friends.


lc-e1358128566135Laura Creel (@Little_Utopia) is the managing editor of Little Utopia.

Previously from Laura Creel:
St. Augustine’s Scrumptious Stuffed Cabbage
Endless Highway: An Interview with Kelley McRae
Morning Radio Surprisingly Insightful in Wake of Mike Rice Scandal
Remembering Trololos
A Beatles’ Album Cover Gives Us Pause

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